madshutterbug (madshutterbug) wrote,

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I am tired. Maybe it is Post-Solstice Depression. Maybe, I'm just tired because I'm near the end of the work week.

I went through a period of being rather Scrooge-like around Christmas-tide. Primarily related to the 'over-commercialisation' rather than anything else. Then came a change of mind-set, possibly because Herself really enjoyed the time and decorating and such. This year, though, I seem to be feeling Scrooge-like again. Not totally, or even really. Making much sense?

Been enjoying playing on the inner-mind music player various and sundry Christmas carols I've enjoyed over time. Not particularly listening to them real-time, only in my mind. Particularly ones which I listened to every year, during my elementary school years, Monday through Friday mornings attending Mass at the Catholic school I went to. That's another thing I don't get into often, a bit of my background, history, upbringing. I do still occasionally say I'm catholic, in the sense of a broader definition of the word: " of general scope or value; all-inclusive; universal; broad in sympathies, tastes, or understanding; liberal..."

Actually, I pretty strongly feel those Catholic school years are a big part of my not feeling particularly Catholic as in part of that Church.

Still, Advent and the different songs, those are a big part of my psyche. As are other lessons from one of my major teachers, one which came up during this time of year, and others, even relating to that Church. This time of year brings along his final lesson, as well. Occurred to me I may be feeling the Anniversary Thing. You know, when major anniversaries of specific events seem to carry a stronger impact because of the 'counting' of them. This is the 15th. Three times five.

They aren't constant, these feelings. They recede, neither hiding nor intense, not gone, not immediate. Other years they've felt stronger than this year. Most years, recently, not so strong.

They're what I think is eating my energy today, though. Not by trying to keep them at bay, nor by wallowing in them. Simply as they pass through, they suck along some of my energy and I'm left with eyes which don't want to focus, legs which ache and desire to not move, bleary face.

Tomorrow, now, tomorrow may be different.
Tags: life

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